I am a recovering judgaholic.
Chances are, if ever we have crossed paths (me in my pre-parent days and you bearing kids) I have judged you.
I won’t lie, the road to recovery has been messy and bumpy. You see, I have been blessed with beautiful, healthy, intelligent children. Capable children. Children capable of bringing me to my knees and who have ruined any iota of pride I ever held with respect to my own ability to raise another human. I am proud of them for their diligence and tenacity, they have done well.
These children—children who have taught me the very depths of love—have challenged me each step of the way, and have also taught me the depths of karma’s love for parents. For every judgment I have ever made, I have been tested in kind. Not only did I earn it, I deserved it.
Karma may have been worried that I wouldn’t get the hint so chose to throw the book at me. Night terrors, fierce tempers, authority-opposition, decibel-shattering loudness and shrill whining for which there is still no cure, I have been challenged. Uncontrollable hyperactivity in public, the looks of bystanders judging me for the uncontrollable hyperactivity, I have been challenged. Poop murals on walls, hunger strikes, attention pees and children who prefer to take off than remain with their parents, I have been challenged. I know there is more to come. And I know I’m not the only one. Because we’re all in the doo doo of parenthood together. Because every day is a call to be the best mom I can be. Because sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I eat chocolate and hide.
Once upon a time I was a judgaholic. I would witness a parent carrying a four year old and guffaw at the lack of independence. I would witness a parent being openly manipulated by their two year old and look down on them with shaming eyes. I used to think getting a kid to sleep was easy, and that getting a kid to cooperate was equivalent to training a dog to sit. I thought it was a given that the parent is the boss, rather than something that requires daily reminding. Obviously, I didn’t know what the heck I was talking about.
I have looked at moms and used the words “I will never…” And now that I am a mom, and that I am that mom to whom I previously referred, I can only use those words when followed by these: I will never look at another mom and quickly judge without knowing. Because I don’t know anyone’s story but mine. And none of our stories are the same. Except for this story: that we are each going day by day and doing our best. And that this requires kindness and respect.
For all whom I have judged, my deepest apologies. For all who have judged me—lest you forget, karma loves parents. I urge you, please, bite your tongue and carry on.