It nagged at me
How I didn’t know
My own mind
I couldn’t decide
Couldn’t choose
For myself
Always worried
About making the wrong choice
Of upsetting people
Of disappointing people
Always worried
About other people
And their feelings
About my own life
And all the Tik Tok therapists
Say it’s because
I didn’t feel secure as a child
Because love was conditional
Upsetting people
Rocking the boat
Lowered my chances
Of a successful transaction
I never worried
About upsetting myself
Disappointing myself
Loving myself
But one day I was thinking
About how my mom is giving
But
Always with the expectation
Of getting something in return
About how love
Was never free
And I realized
Those Tik Tok therapists
Were right
There was a cost
To being loved
It was never given for free
Though it was expected
Of me
And now that I see it
I can’t unsee it
And now that I see it
I make every decision
For me
No permission
No opinions
Because my love for myself
Will always be free

(Maria Giuliani, 2025)