Lately, my life has felt like a hamster wheel. I keep running and running and running, but all I am met with is the need for more running. A full-time job that’s been keeping me busy, kids and their never-ending lists of needs, dogs and their never-ending want of attention, a husband who has been on his own hamster wheel but mostly from another country… It’s just been a lot. 

It was 7pm the other night, and I was trying to tidy up a budget for work that I’d intended to have done that afternoon. Changes had been made, and I needed to make sure that the changes were accounted for across all tabs, and while I was in the process of teeing things up, there were other people from the company trying to assess the budget, so I was aware that I was on a timeline. Meanwhile, my 3 year old was clinging to my feet, yelling for my attention, because the rest of this week had gone similar to this and she was tired of not having my attention.

I felt like I was about to burst.

And it dawned on me through this that I’ve had this feeling a lot lately, this feeling of being about to burst. It’s been full on do mode, way less be mode. The busier I am in one area of my life, the less I am able to give to other areas. The more I try to give to all areas, the less successful I am at giving to any area. And I’ve been impatient with myself, and impatient with others. Snippy with my kids, snippy with the dogs. Snippy in general. 

I had a moment where I stopped and just processed it all. I recognized that I wasn’t being kind to the people in my life. I was meeting physical needs–playing taxi driver, making lunches, etc–but I wasn’t present. And I wasn’t kind. 

I realized something else, too. I am a big advocate of giving myself time. I aim to give myself time every day.in order to fill my cup and regulate my nervous system. Lately, I haven’t had my me-time, because of the realities of everyday life. My toddler has been in a stage where she has been waking up super early, and clinging to mommy because she wants her mommy time. Giving her that time also means not giving me my own time.It’s one or the other. Because once the other kids are up and the lunches need to be made, and the school drops offs done and getting to work on time, and once the work day is done and then kids need picking up, and once dinner is made and homework is helped, and once bathtime is done and I’m putting my toddler to bed, and once she’s asleep with me lying beside her because she wants her mommy time, then mommy goes to bed. And the day is done. And it’s the same the next day. And the day after. Right? 

If you’re a parent, you get it. 

It’s so easy to neglect the self.

But if I’m not starting my day by giving myself kindness, how am I supposed to go through my day spreading kindness out? 

It’s a genuine question. How are we supposed to run run run on the hamster wheel, and give give give all we’ve got, and still remain human, and humanized? Empathetic, including empathy for self? How are we supposed to maintain tolerance, and support our neighbours and neighbourhoods? How are we supposed to treat our neighbours as we want to treat ourselves, when we don’t have the time to treat ourselves well to begin with? 

These are the things I’ve been thinking about. 

Especially these days, when I tune into world events, and I see so many people struggling for their basic necessities, and I see how there is such a rampant scarcity mentality affecting our society. Everyone is running their hamster wheels. It’s so easy, in the do do do, to forget the meaning of be be be. It’s cultural, it’s societal. We’ve been set up for this, especially here in North America. We’re always stressed. We walk around with a ball of anxiety in the centre of our chests, and we’re so used to it because it’s just always there. But when we stop, and give that ball of anxiety a name, it’s name is Business. And the only way to dissipate it is to fall into beingness. And to do that,we must first begin with kindness. 

And here’s the other thing. We can’t wait for our companies, our societies, our culture to give us the time and permission. We must, we must, give it to ourselves. We must demand it for ourselves. We must be responsible over our own acts of kindness.

But it’s hard. Because of the hamster wheel. I’m right there with you, I get it. Who has the time to be intentionally kind with one’s self? 

My answer to this is baby steps. One inch at a time. One minute at a time. If I sit in the car for an extra few minutes before picking up kids from school and daycare, and if I use this time to breathe and centre, instead of doom scrolling, it’s an act of kindness. If I step away from my desk for a few minutes to stare at the birds outside my window, or better yet to go outdoors and breathe fresh air, it’s an act of kindness. If I make a mistake, but go inside and give myself grace, it’s an act of kindness. Minute, incremental acts of kindness to self will eventually fill the inner cup. Enough so that giving kindness to others becomes less like a commodity to trade, and more like a way of life.This is the way it is meant to be. Always make space for kindness.

-mtg

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