Hard truth, I am socially awkward. I’m the most socially awkward of anyone, ever. I don’t know how to communicate with people. I gaff constantly. And usually, by the time I realize that I’ve gaffed, the moment is over and I can’t fix it. So then I’ll spend the next decade of my life cringing over the moment in the middle of the night. I don’t know how to be normal. 

Making friends is hard at my age because everyone else has figured out how to adult, but making friends was also hard for me as a child. I always felt like an outsider, wherever I went. Specifically because I have never felt understood, I’ve never felt heard, I’ve never felt seen. I didn’t feel safe being my true self. I was afraid. I wasn’t brave. I wanted to be included and so muted myself, but then didn’t feel included because I wasn’t being authentic. And this is actually the story of my whole life. 

I mean, just look at these pictures. I don’t even know how to pose for a photo. I don’t know how to smile naturally. I look like a smile is being pulled out of me, painfully and under threat. Like the camera is judging me. I’m so awkward. 

The thing is, in the memories I have of myself when very young, I am not this person. I felt more free. I felt more at home in my skin. And then life, as it does, added on a few layers. And I kept them on.

But I have always gravitated towards women who are free, whether in a book, in real life, whatever. My soul knows that the free ones have something that other people don’t have: they are unencumbered because they’re not trying to belong. They belong to themselves. 

And anyway, I’ve had moments over the years where free-me comes out, where I too am unencumbered. But more often, I hide, trying to be with the grain. Thinking I’ll be safe there. Failing to feel safe. 

There have been a series of micro events recently that have me peeling back on hiding, though. It started by finding some emotional space from one person in my life, someone I wasn’t even looking for space from. Another situation that in the past might have left me feeling jealous, lonely or left out – unincluded – this time left me liberated, realizing that I didn’t want to be included anyway. It left me with the truth of these aren’t my people ringing in my ears. And most recently, I met someone. An older woman, quite by accident. 

I was buying something for the garden, used off Marketplace. When I went to pick up, this woman swallowed me whole. She brought me into her garden which was full of whimsy – eclectic, non-standard – and it was obvious that it made her so happy. She talked nonstop, about gardening and life and womanhood and back to gardening. In the span of minutes I learned that she didn’t have kids, that she’d been married but divorced, that she preferred the freedom of being solo. She had Facebook-stalked me and saw that I’ve written a book, she told me that she was “so proud” of me. I left feeling knocked over by a breath of fresh air. And in that feeling, I felt a little spiritual nudge. A nudge reminding me, this is what free looks like. You don’t have to hide.

And I could ask myself what free-me looks like? What I need to do for myself to feel free. But the thing is, I already know. Don’t we all already know? The question isn’t What does it look like? but rather, How do I start being that person? Because I know, free-Maria has a sense of humour, and is self-deprecating, and talks a lot about life lessons and growth, and can come off as being a little flighty but is actually smart, especially in an EQ kind of way. Free Maria knows what she wants and doesn’t like to be told what to do and doesn’t like following anyone’s schedule but her own. Free-Maria knows she’s only human, wears sweats more than anything else, and eats what she wants, when she wants. Free-Maria feels light and loopy. 

Free-Maria will probably never know how ro pose for the camera. She will never look put together. She needs to accept that.

So, where to start? 

Everything comes down to intention and focus.

First, you need to make the choice to turn in the direction of your most free self. There may be several baby steps between here and there, that’s ok. But you need to turn your neck to face that way. 

Second, you need to define your free self for yourself, kind of like I did above. As much detail as possible, as much honesty as possible.

Third, you need to define the fears that hold you back. And then question them. Is it really the end of the world if x, y, z actually happens? Is it a valid fear, or a made up one? 

And finally, you need to consciously question everything as you go about your day.
Is that a free-self feeling in reaction to this situation, or a past-self reaction?
Is that something free-me would say?
Would free-me speak now or choose not to speak?
What would free-me’s perspective be on this situation? 

It may take time and effort, but not for forever. Only for as long as it takes you to give yourself focused attention. 

So, the other day I went into work, and I was giddy, and I made jokes, and I was chatty, and I moved with the air of someone who gave no shits. 

It was so weird. 

And it was so right. 

And the trick will be staying with it, especially around the ones I most often hide from. 

But…if fear and free are both 4-letter F-words, why not just choose the one that makes me feel better? 

-mtg